If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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