I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
