I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
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