it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
