Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
