I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
