a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
not ubering you a puppy
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
