coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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