I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
