I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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