shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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