I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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