Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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