I must be too annoying 4 u.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Randomize
