yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
As shirtless as possible
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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