He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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