the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
smell my finger.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
