there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
