Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
