I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize