I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
