If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
