I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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