I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
