Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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