I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
