dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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