You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
