he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
