Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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