I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
