u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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