NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
