I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
