why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
