The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
