Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
