OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize