i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She just used a chaser for red wine.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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