eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Randomize
