I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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