take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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