Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
