Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Even my vagina gasped.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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