you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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