Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
