We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
