My first STD was from a foam party
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
