Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
