What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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