WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My penis needs a shock collar
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
