I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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