I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize