chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
