Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
