So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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