true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
