I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
there was a trapeze. enough said
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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