So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
