My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
