Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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